Mormon Temple Weddings Explained 

Mormon Temple Weddings Explained.

(Sorry, You’re Probably Not Invited)

Ever wondered what a Mormon temple wedding is like? Or why the ceremonies are so secretive? Maybe you were asked to wait outside during the ceremony. My temple wedding was supposed to be a sacred and joyous occasion, but for me, it turned out to be a disillusioning experience.

As someone who has gone through it, I’ll take you behind the scenes to explore the strict dress codes, the impersonal nature of the ceremony, the exclusion of loved ones, and why my wedding day left me feeling disappointed and isolated.

What is a Mormon Temple Wedding?

A Mormon temple wedding is a significant event in the life of a devout Mormon. It is not just a marriage ceremony but a sacred rite believed to bind a couple together for time and all eternity.

Alyssa Grenfell at her mormon wedding.

This concept of eternal marriage is central to Mormon doctrine, emphasizing that only through temple marriage can families be together forever in the afterlife. However, the actual experience of a temple wedding can be far from the joyous and intimate celebration one might expect.

What is a temple recommend?

Before a couple can be married in the temple, they must meet several requirements. They must be baptized members of the church and must obtain a temple recommend, which involves an invasive interview process with a bishop to assess worthiness.

Questions range from adherence to the Word of Wisdom (prohibiting coffee, tea, alcohol, and tobacco) to paying tithing (10% of your income), and following the Law of Chastity (prohibiting premarital sexual intercourse of any kind, pornography, and masturbation).

Even if they are unworthy, many members feel pressured by preset wedding dates, social expectations, and their own shame to lie during the interview. This can result in a wedding ceremony tainted with guilt and feelings of unworthiness. Both the bride, groom, and anyone wishing to fully participate in the wedding must receive a temple recommend.

Giving someone a temple blessing card.

Initiatory (washing and anointing) ordinances

Before the wedding, couples must participate in the temple endowment and washing/anointing or initiatory ordinances. See my video explaining this process here. The washing and anointing rituals require you to remove all of your clothes in a locker room and wear a special cloak.

You are then washed, anointed, and given a new name. The washing and anointing involve lengthy blessings in which the temple workers used to touch each part of your body they were blessing. After complaints, the ritual was changed so that workers only gesture to those parts of your body.

Then you are given a new name, which you are told is incredibly sacred and unique to you. I later found out that a certain name is given for each gender each day of the month, which makes it much more impersonal and less special.

During this ordinance you also receive new temple garments–special underwear manufactured by the church which must be worn for the rest of your life. Your wedding dress must cover the entirety of your garments, shaped like a t-shirt and knee-length briefs. This severely limits your options for dresses.

The endowment ceremony

After your washing and anointing, you participate in a ritual called the endowment. The endowment takes place in a room somewhat like a small movie theater. The seats are divided down the middle and the women sit on the left while the men sit on the right. During the endowment, you watch videos about the creation of Earth, and the fall of Adam and Eve.

Throughout the video, you learn four sets of secret handshakes, gestures, and passwords which will allow you to enter into heaven.

Man and woman shaking hands.

For each set, participants must make “covenants” with god and adorn specific ceremonial clothing. Eventually, you promise yourself, your time, talents, and everything the Lord has given you or will give you to the church.

Difficulty of Rejecting Temple Practices

At the beginning of the endowment, you are given the opportunity to back out, but you must do so in front of an entire room, usually filled with your loved ones. Rejecting the temple practices is not an easy decision, especially with these social and familial pressures.

Many people feel trapped by the expectations placed upon them by their community and loved ones. Backing out of the temple ceremonies often means facing disappointment and confusion from family members who see these rituals as essential to eternal salvation.

Your whole life you are told how beautiful, meaningful, and symbolic temple rituals are. As doubts bubble up during the rituals, you might look to your family members, unbelieving that this is what they have been doing in the temple.

Usually, they just look back with reassuring nods. Their calmness with the rituals make you feel like there must be something wrong with you for finding them uncomfortable, so you focus on changing yourself to love them too.

The sealing

On my wedding day, I faced several challenges that highlighted the impersonal and restrictive nature of a temple wedding. Despite choosing a modest wedding dress that adhered to garment standards, it was deemed not white enough by the temple officials. Years of dreaming of the perfect wedding and weeks searching for my ideal dress were brushed aside. This led to me having to wear an impersonal temple-approved dress instead of my own.

Alyssa Grenfell with her husband in mormon wedding clothes in front of a mormon church.

The actual sealing ceremony felt rushed, with multiple brides being processed in a ‘bride factory’ manner. We were whisked from one room to another until our time slot opened up for us to enter the sealing room. There was no time for personal touches or moments of reflection, making the experience feel more about the temple’s schedule than our special day.

The temple ceremony was not personalized at all. The officiant, who didn’t even know my name, mispronounced it during the ceremony. The ceremony involves the bride and groom kneeling at the altar and participating in the patriarchal grip, a secret handshake learned during the endowment.

The vows are standardized, with the groom asked if he receives the bride and the bride asked if she gives herself. The only word spoken by the bride and groom is “yes,” stripping away the emotional connection and individuality typically associated with wedding vows.

Exclusion and Isolation

One of the most painful aspects of my temple wedding was the exclusion of my family and friends. Only those with a temple recommend could attend, which meant my siblings and many close friends were not allowed to be present. This exclusion created a sense of isolation on what should have been a day of unity and celebration.

Woman sitting alone.

My grandparents, who traveled a long distance to be there, had to wait outside, further highlighting the alienating nature of Mormon temple weddings. The exclusion extended to my non-Mormon friends, who wanted to support me but were not permitted inside the temple. This exclusion was not just a minor inconvenience; it was a significant emotional burden. It made me feel like my wedding day, which should have been one of the happiest days of my life, was instead a source of hurt and division.

Feelings of Betrayal

The temple endowment ceremony itself was a source of significant emotional turmoil. The secrecy surrounding the rites, combined with their invasive nature, led to feelings of betrayal.

Many Mormons, including myself, are not fully informed about the specifics of the temple ceremonies until they are about to participate in them. This lack of informed consent can lead to a deep sense of disillusionment and confusion.

Post-Wedding Reflections

Reflecting on my temple wedding experience, I am left with feelings of anger and disappointment. The ceremony that was supposed to be a sacred and personal event felt rushed, impersonal, and exclusionary.

This experience significantly impacted my faith, contributing to my decision to leave the church. It was disheartening to realize that the most important day of my life was overshadowed by strict rules and institutional priorities.

The lack of personalization and the rigid structure of the temple ceremony made it feel like our wedding was not truly ours. Instead of being able to express our love and commitment in a way that was meaningful to us, we were bound by the constraints of the temple ceremony. This lack of agency and the emphasis on religious conformity over personal expression played a significant role in my eventual disillusionment with the church.

Masonic Origins of Temple Rituals

Many of the temple rituals, including the signs and tokens, have roots in Masonic traditions. Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism, incorporated elements of Freemasonry into the temple ceremonies. Understanding these origins can provide context for some of the more unusual aspects of the rites and highlight the eclectic nature of the practices.

Cultural and Personal Insights

The broader cultural implications of temple weddings are profound. The emphasis on modesty, the specific dress codes, and the rules surrounding attendance all reflect the church’s broader values and beliefs.

Comparing a temple wedding to a typical wedding highlights the differences in personal expression and inclusivity. Additionally, the doctrine of polygamy in heaven, where men can be sealed to multiple women but women cannot be sealed to multiple men, raises questions about gender equality and the emotional toll on women.

Gender equality.

For many women, the idea that their husband could be sealed to multiple women in the afterlife is deeply unsettling. This doctrine reinforces the notion of male dominance and female subservience within the church, and it has significant implications for how women perceive their roles and relationships.

The fact that women are not permitted to be sealed to more than one man, even if their husband dies, adds another layer of emotional complexity and potential heartache.

Typical Mormon Wedding Receptions

Mormon wedding receptions are often held in church cultural halls, which are essentially basketball courts. These receptions are usually alcohol-free, reflecting the church’s teachings against alcohol consumption.

The lack of alcohol can make the atmosphere feel different from typical wedding receptions. Additionally, Mormons tend to marry young, which also influences the nature of these gatherings. The receptions are often simple and frugal, focusing on modesty and community rather than extravagance.

The receptions are often seen as cheesy but endearing, with many guests participating in line dances like the ChaCha Slide. The expectation that the newlyweds have not consummated their relationship until the wedding night adds an element of awkwardness, as guests often gossip about the couple’s impending first night together.

Conclusion

My Mormon temple wedding was a challenging and ultimately disillusioning experience. It highlighted the strict control and significant sacrifices expected of members. For those questioning their faith or considering a temple wedding, it’s crucial to be fully informed about what it entails.

Personal growth and faith should not come at the expense of mental health and autonomy. Reflecting on this experience, I encourage others to critically evaluate the demands and implications of such commitments and to seek paths that truly align with their well-being and values.

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