My Experience with Mormon Rules

Living in the LDS Church comes with a rigid set of expectations and failing to meet these expectations can lead to serious consequences that may be spiritual, social, emotional, or even psychological in nature. The fear of these consequences often keeps members in line, even when they struggle to believe or follow the church’s teachings.

Why Follow the Rules?

There are countless Mormon rules that govern nearly every aspect of life, from what you wear to how you spend your Sundays. What makes these rules more difficult to navigate is that members seldom agree on the logic or reasoning behind every single one. While some rules may seem straightforward, others can feel arbitrary, and the reasoning behind them is rarely questioned openly.

In the end, it’s less about understanding why a rule exists and more about the act of obedience itself. Members are taught that obedience is the true test of faith, and that even when a rule doesn’t make sense, following it without question is a demonstration of loyalty to God. Although spiritual reasons are often cited as the main motivation for obedience, there are other reasons to follow the rules—such as social pressure or shame—which are less frequently discussed but are just as significant.

Spiritual Reasons

If you had asked me why I followed the rules while I was still a member, I would have told you it was because they made me a better person and brought me blessings.

This is what I had been taught my entire life. Members are frequently told that obedience to the rules is essential for their eternal progression and that by following them, they will receive blessings—though the specifics of these blessings are often vague.

Members also believe that obedience strengthens the presence of the Holy Ghost in their lives. The Holy Ghost is said to provide peace, guidance, and a deeper connection with God. This idea is reinforced constantly in church teachings, making it clear that the more obedient you are, the more likely you are to feel the Spirit and, by extension, feel good about yourself and your standing with God.

Guidance from God combined with blessings result in many members expressing the idea that by following these rules they are more free than others. They often support this idea by explaining how abstinence from vices such as drugs or alcohol prevent addictions or other limits in their lives. While this may be true, allowing an organization to make these decisions instead of making them for yourself can come at a cost.

Social Reasons

Beyond the spiritual, there are significant social pressures to follow the rules. Mormons are organized into local communities called wards or branches, where everyone attends the same weekly services and activities. In these tight-knit groups, everyone shares the same definition of what it means to be a good and faithful Mormon, and naturally, everyone is judged by how well they appear to follow the rules.

One’s level of obedience often becomes a measure of respect in the community. The more visibly you comply with church standards, the more likely you are to be seen as a good and trustworthy person. This dynamic can create an atmosphere of competition, where members feel pressure to act in ways that align with the ideal image of a “perfect” Mormon, even if it doesn’t reflect their true selves.

I personally felt this pressure many times. There were moments when I behaved in ways that felt unnatural or uncomfortable to me, all because I wanted to be seen as a good person within my family and community. It wasn’t just about my relationship with God—it was about maintaining my social standing and avoiding judgment from those around me.

Mental & Emotional Reasons

Many members will tell you that following the rules makes them happy, and to some extent, that’s true. But there’s a darker side to this. When you allow an external institution to define your morals, you also give them the power to determine when you should feel guilty or ashamed. The church’s strict moral guidelines often lead members to feel immense guilt when they don’t live up to the standards set for them.

This guilt can quickly turn into self-hatred, as members internalize the idea that their worth is tied to their ability to follow the rules. Conversely, when members do follow the rules, they are able to feel good about themselves, which reinforces the idea that they are on the right path, feeling the Spirit, and doing what God wants.

The cycle is clear: obey, feel peace; disobey, feel guilt. This emotional dynamic keeps members tightly bound to the church’s rules, even when those rules don’t always make sense or align with their personal beliefs.

The Consequences of Non-Compliance

Spiritual Consequences

From a young age, members are taught that obedience to the church’s rules is directly tied to their spiritual salvation. The stakes couldn’t be higher: disobedience can result in losing the Spirit to guide you, missing out on blessings, and ultimately, jeopardizing one’s place in the afterlife.

The fear of spiritual repercussions is powerful. I remember constantly worrying that if I didn’t follow every rule perfectly, I would lose my connection to God and, with it, my hope for eternal life. This fear was reinforced in every lesson, every talk, and every meeting, making it clear that non-compliance wasn’t just a matter of breaking a rule—it was risking my soul.

Social Consequences

Beyond the potential for damnation weighing on every decision, non-compliance to certain commandments can close off access to many church ordinances. Access to these rituals can be revoked if a leader finds you unworthy. As a result, you might have to wait outside during a family member’s wedding.

In a tightly-knit community like the LDS Church, where everyone’s lives are so interconnected, not measuring up to expectations can lead to judgment, gossip, and even ostracism. By not being temple-worthy, you could be perceived by others as a sinner, a rebel, or a bad influence.

This creates a culture of surveillance where you are not only worried about your own failings but also about being seen as a failure by others. This was a huge source of anxiety for me. The thought of being judged or looked down upon by others in my ward, by my friends, or even by my own family was terrifying.

Non-compliance can lead to isolation, not just from the church but from the entire social structure that their lives are built around. Many parents teach their girls that when they come of age, they should only consider marriage with a return missionary. Any man who doesn’t choose to serve a mission may struggle to date within the church.

The fear of being socially outcast is often enough to keep members in line, even when they are struggling with their beliefs or actions. For many, these social pressures create a suffocating environment where they feel they have to hide their true selves or change who they are to fit in.

Mental & Emotional Consequences

Perhaps the most insidious consequence of non-compliance is the toll it takes on a person’s mental and emotional well-being. Members are taught from a young age that their worth is tied to their ability to follow the rules. When they fall short, it often leads to feelings of deep guilt and shame.

Many who fail to conform will lie about their worthiness during leadership interviews or even invent spiritual experiences to share with others in order to portray an image of righteousness. While this may soothe some social pressure, it can erode one’s sense of self and even evolve into something more damaging like self-loathing and depression.

This is exacerbated by the church’s promotion of a black-and-white mindset. Everything is either right or wrong, good or evil, with no room for nuance or personal interpretation. This makes any deviation from conformity result in guilt and shame.

For me, the guilt was constant. I would beat myself up over even the smallest mistakes, believing that I had failed both God and myself. The church’s strict moral code became a weight I carried around every day, and every time I slipped, I felt like I was letting everyone down—my family, my ward, and even God.

The church’s teachings on purity and modesty were especially hard to internalize. The church has strict guidelines on how members present themselves and a commandment to avoid the appearance of evil. This creates a system where it becomes the member’s responsibility to manage how others perceive them.

This responsibility made me hyper-vigilant about every little thing. I found myself stressing over things that should have been insignificant, like whether rolling up my sleeves would be seen as immodest. It wasn’t just about following the rules; it was about making sure I didn’t do anything that could be misinterpreted by others, even if it was completely innocent.

Inversely, whenI did follow the rules, I would feel a sense of peace and validation. This reinforced the idea that I was doing what’s right, which could be comforting in the short term. But in the long run, it created a cycle of fear and reward—obedience brings peace, while disobedience brings guilt. It was a powerful emotional system that kept me in line, even when I struggled to believe in or didn’t understand the rules.

In the end, the pressure to conform, to be the “perfect” Mormon, left me feeling exhausted and emotionally drained. The fear, guilt, and anxiety became too much to bear, leading to a deep sense of unworthiness that I struggled with for years.

Life Beyond the Rules: Leaving the LDS Church

Leaving the LDS Church was one of the most challenging decisions I’ve ever made, but it was also incredibly liberating. For so long, my life had been dictated by a rigid set of rules that governed everything I did.

The constant pressure to conform, to be the perfect Mormon, left me feeling exhausted and trapped. But once I started questioning those rules and the control they had over my life, I began to see a different way of living—one that was based on my own values and beliefs, rather than those imposed by the church.

One of the most surprising things I discovered after leaving was that all the blessings I was promised for following the rules seemed to come to me anyway, even without the constant vigilance and fear of stepping out of line.  I found happiness, peace, and fulfillment in ways I never expected.

The fear that I would lose everything if I left the church turned out to be unfounded. In fact, stepping away allowed me to reclaim my sense of self and to build a life that truly reflected who I am.

Leaving the church didn’t mean abandoning my spirituality or my desire to be a good person. It meant finding new ways to connect with myself and the world around me, without the oppressive weight of rules that never made sense to me. 

I’ve learned to trust myself, to make decisions based on what feels right for me, rather than what I’ve been told is right by others. This journey has been about rediscovering my own voice and my own path, and it has been incredibly empowering.

Conclusion: The Cost of Conformity

Conforming to the rigid rules of the LDS Church comes at a high cost—one that is often paid in mental and emotional strain, the fear of spiritual and social repercussions, and the loss of personal freedom. 

The church’s rules are designed to control nearly every aspect of its members’ lives, creating an environment where questioning is discouraged and obedience is paramount. For many, like me, the toll of living under such strict guidelines becomes too much to bear, leading to a decision to leave in search of a more authentic and fulfilling life.

While the journey out of the church is not easy, it opens the door to a life where happiness and fulfillment are no longer tied to a checklist of rules but are instead found through self-discovery and the freedom to live according to one’s own values. 

The cost of conformity is high, but the rewards of living a life true to oneself are immeasurable. It’s a path that many former members, including myself, have found to be worth taking, despite the challenges along the way.